Are you a human being or a human doing?
Do you find yourself on over-drive most of the time? You move from one activity or task to the next, you have a never-ending to do list, find it hard to relax, your mind races trying to keep up with it all, and despite your utter exhaustion, you just can’t slow down and take a break.
This can be a symptom of chronic stress and burnout.
You are not alone. Many people struggle with chronic doing. I am one of them! And it’s no surprise to me that the majority of my clients are in this category too! Sometimes it really takes one to know one.
My whole life I’ve been a doer and an achiever.
I have juggled it all: single parenting, building a career, maintaining relationships, navigating endless life responsibilities, and continuing to achieve despite hurdles, obstacles, and downright hardships along the way. Some people have viewed me as “superhuman” at times.
In many ways, being a doer has served me well. I get a lot done. I often excel at what I do. And I am known for being reliable and capable. This feels great of course.
While the benefits can be tangible and very rewarding, I have learned over the years that being a doer isn’t necessarily a healthy way to live. Chronic busyness often comes at a cost. Sometimes even a serious one, including mental and physical illness.
For me, I suffered for years from chronic illness. I constantly felt drained and depleted. This was not an easy or enjoyable way to live. In fact, it was pretty awful.
When we’re in this state, life becomes all about surviving. Enduring. Getting by. There is a huge difference between surviving and thriving when it comes to quality of life.
It’s important to understand that our bodies are magnificent creations. We are wired to prevent our own self–destruction! We are naturally linked to mind, body, and spirit. There is no separation, even though we are constantly compartmentalizing our full selves.
For those of you who enjoy physics, you may remember the principle derived from Newton's 3rd law of motion: What comes up must come down.
Or maybe you relate more to the yin yang philosophy of opposites. Either way, it’s important to understand that even if it’s not initially obvious, constant doing is going to have an opposite reaction.
When it comes to overdoing vs. simply accepting life in the moment, it materializes into some sort of breakdown: physical, mental, emotional, or even all three!
This is what often brings people to my practice: anxiety, depression, chronic illness, and general life dissatisfaction. The impact of chronic doing takes its toll.
Many motivated, high-achieving individuals often appear totally together on the outside. And everyone around them is praising them for their constant effort. In fact, being over-burdened can be like a badge of honor! And yet in confidence, these same individuals report feeling exhausted, drained, frayed, frazzled, overwhelmed, and have little energy for pleasure and play in their lives. And yet the pull to DO is pervasive, strong, and sometimes even survival-based. It won’t let us stop even when we want to!
The stress of chronic doing is not only depleting, exhausting, and life interfering, it can even be debilitating.
What many of us don’t realize is that chronic stress can even change our DNA! This is profound! According to Johns Hopkins, researchers have demonstrated that genes in mice subjected to chronic stress show changes, especially on those genes associated with mental illness.
Chronic stress also leads to increased inflammation, which opens us up to infection, heightened allergic reactions, and even cell mutation. Basically, the body starts to see itself as a threat. This can increase the rates of illness such as diabetes, autoimmune conditions, cancer, inflammatory bowel disorders, heart disease and much more. (https://drgabormate.com/culture-good-health/)
“People who’ve experienced chronic stress can even become addicted to stress! “
Being in a stress state becomes the norm, and it’s the absence of stress that is something to be avoided. Many chronic doers don’t even realize they’re in that mode! It becomes an unconscious instant response that over time becomes emotionally, mentally, and physically draining.
What started as an adaptive or protective response to stress becomes hard-wired in our nervous system. It becomes rigid, inflexible, and over time, toxic.
This pattern is often linked to faulty beliefs of not being good enough, or needing to prove our worth, which often forms the basis of people pleasing and difficulty saying no. These patterns may even be connected to experiences of early and unresolved trauma.
It can be hard to confront the allure of doing, especially if it’s just “how we operate.”
The good side of doing can be a great feeling, right? It’s so satisfying checking off those tasks, having the organized house, getting accolades by coworkers, friends etc (“I just don’t know how you do it all!”). Doing all these things can be like a high. At least temporarily.
The downside is that constant doing can get in the way of truly living in the moment. It not only robs us of the joy and pleasure that life’s experiences offer us, but it can also impede our ability to be fully present with ourselves and others. Life is often less satisfying and our vitality is diminished when we are always focused on the future or operating from unconscious habits.
We end up feeling nothing is ever enough. And life becomes about tasks, check-lists, and being productive versus having experiences and being enriched by the flow of life.
We get wrapped up living as a human doing rather than a human being.
Ultimately, this is an exhausting way to live.
But we don’t have to live this way.
We can give ourselves permission to stop. To do less. To live a life of ease, pleasure, well-being, and satisfaction. It is possible!
Changing this pattern takes time. It is like breaking a bad habit. But with intention, we can create more balance in our lives.
So what does BEING look like?
Allowing more pauses.
Waiting in line without doing anything else.
Taking in the moment by looking, listening, and noticing.
Allow yourself to meander.
Skip your routine and let your impulse lead the way.
Take a nap.
Get in nature and soak in the sights and sounds.
Drink your morning tea or coffee without rushing.
Give yourself permission to fully and whole-heartedly do something you enjoy (this means without guilt!).
In general, be gentle with yourself. When your body needs rest, give yourself a break. Remind yourself it’s ok not to get everything done today.
When you have the urge to DO, ask yourself “What’s really here with me right now? What do I need?” Often the urge to do can be a replacement for another need (connection, rest, novelty, etc) or as a way to suppress feelings (loneliness, anxiety, grief, etc).
Take opportunities to just pause, and be. I promise all the stuff can wait. It really can. Even pausing for a few minutes at a time can be tremendously beneficial. When your nervous system gets to pause, you can return to tasks from a place of being refreshed versus frazzled and frenetic. This helps with short-term clarity and efficiency, and makes a tremendous difference in the long-term when it comes to your health and wellness!
With practice, you will find yourself reassessing the real priorities in your life and choosing to let go of some tasks that are no longer essential. It’s time to free yourself from the obligation to DO at every turn. Instead, just BE.
Try it, you just may like the new you!
Be easy and well.
Fondly,
Mari